Of Wizards and Dirty Magazines
by Random Dent
Summary: Harry is trying to put his Christmas to a productive use when he is rudely disturbed. (Harry/Ron slash)


Disclaimer: JK owns all. I bow to her bank balance.  
  
Warning: Slash, i.e. m/m relationship. (Harry/Ron)  
  
Story notes: A very out of season story. In my mind Harry and Ron are about 17ish, but feel free to think of them as being over whatever the age of consent is in your part of the world. Oh, and another one of my abrupt endings, sorry.  
  
  
  
Christmas. One of Harry's favourite times of the year. He was at Hogwarts, nowhere near the Dursleys, and the only other Griffindor around was Ron Weasley, who'd volunteered to keep him company over Christmas, at least partially to avoid the insanity of going home for Christmas – since his elder brothers had started settling down the numbers of people spending Christmas at the Burrow were rising frighteningly. He was spending large amounts of time sprawled over the sofas in the Common room, languishing in the luxury of not having to share sofas and beds with relatives who were all arms legs and elbows.  
  
Anyway, back to Harry. The other reason that he enjoyed Christmas was a reasonable amount of personal time in the dorm, which meant he could spend some time perusing his wizardly porn collection. Fred and George had introduced the concept to Ron and himself, along with a selection of semi- legal substances, as part of their campaign to corrupt their brother and The Boy Who Lived, killing two birds with one stone. However, since that time Harry had found that his tastes ran more to the male than the female, and had carried out his own investigations. An invisibility cloak was invaluable in sneaking into the Other Restricted Section, while avoiding Snape coming out with his copy of 'Weird Witches and Werewolves' merely needed reasonable reflexes. You could hear his heavy breathing from a shelf away.  
  
Harry turned the page. One of the guys in the picture momentarily stopped what he was doing to give Harry a very inviting look, and Harry wished not for the first time that this was not just mobile but interactive as well…  
  
Harry was disturbed from his exercise routine (the Dursleys had been given a leaflet about exercise, stating that it needed to be aerobic, raising the heart rate and respiration, and as far as he was concerned this satisfied all these requirements) by a slight noise. The noise of someone trying to be quiet. Harry scooted over to the edge of the bed and peeked out through the gap in the curtains. It was Ron, a slight relief in that it wasn't a servant of Evil, but he was still behaving suspiciously. Ron slunk towards his bed, apparently concealing something in his robes. He knelt by the bed and produced the offending article. Harry glimpsed a logo that seemed familiar, but Ron paused and shoved whatever it was back into his robe. Harry froze. Ron couldn't have seen him.  
  
Ron settled the argument by leaping across the distance onto Harry in a flurry of winter robes.  
  
"What d'you think you're do- oh." Ron rolled off Harry when he realised his state of undress. He smirked. "Not disturbing you am I?"  
  
Harry attempted to get himself back into a reasonable state of decency while blushing furiously. "Doesn't explain why you're sneaking round the dorm when I'm the only one about."  
  
"About to do what?" Ron was still grinning far too widely for Harry's liking, so he took a swipe at him with the pillow. "Gettoff, stoppit! You really think that you're the only person up to that round here?"  
  
Harry looked at him suspiciously. "Fine. So, back to what exactly were you doing?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Yes, and so was I. What's in your robes?"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to find out?"  
  
Harry looked at Ron.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Well, what have you got in there?" Ron opened his mouth. "Apart from the obvious."  
  
Ron looked disappointed, but delved into his robes to pull a packet out which he passed to Harry.  
  
"Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Condoms. Where'd you get these from?" Harry tried to sound innocent, but it really wasn't working.  
  
Ron looked conspiratorial. "I have my sources. Which I value. So I'm not telling you." Harry looked unimpressed. "I could acquire some for you… I know quite a few girls who'd consider that a service to wizardry."  
  
"Would they now. Naming any names?"  
  
"Nope." Ron was getting himself comfy on Harry's bed when he caught sight of the book Harry had been perusing. "What have you got there?"  
  
"Nothing." Harry tried to sit on the book.  
  
Ron narrowed his eyes. "There's only one kind of book that has covers as devastatingly plain as that. And you're not sharing."  
  
"It's a muggle book. Very boring."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"Oh, well I'll just get back to the common room then."  
  
Harry knew Ron too well to relax at this statement, so was prepared when the attack came. However, Ron was bigger than he was, and had spent his childhood fighting Fred and George, so was more cunning than Harry. He ended up pinning Harry face down on the bed. Ron wriggled a little, to allow Harry the tiniest fraction of room to breathe and to get into a better light to see the pictures. Harry thought he was going to die, and not just because Ron's weight was giving him problems breathing.  
  
"Well, well, well. Interesting choice of reading."  
  
Harry choked out something along the lines of 'Sod off'. Ron shifted again to allow Harry to speak. "None of your business."  
  
"Uhuh." Ron continued to flick through the book. He paused. "If that wasn't a picture I'd say it wasn't possible."  
  
"Wouldn't know." Harry was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the situation, but had no idea what to do.  
  
"Looks a bit painful for the knees."  
  
Harry squirmed. That was one of his personal favourites. He considered trying to get away, but that really wouldn't solve anything. Ron could run faster than he could.  
  
"Ron… you-you-you don't mind? About.. this?  
  
"What, after Percy and Oliver are living together? Why should I be bothered? Oh, I forgot to tell you. Percy's pregnant."  
  
"What? How? Why?"  
  
"They wanted kids, and Oliver found this pregnancy charm, and they thought it was worth a try and they tossed a coin and Percy lost. He's telling mum this Christmas, which is the other reason I'm here. I don't know if she'll be yelling the house down because she's angry or yelling the house down because she's getting grandchildren. I didn't want to be there for the yelling."  
  
"Percy is pregnant." Harry was trying to convince himself as much as anything.  
  
"Due in May I think."  
  
"Percy, your elder, male, ex-Head Boy brother is pregnant. By Oliver Wood."  
  
"That would be what I just told you, yes."  
  
"Do you mind if I take a moment to totally change my world view?"  
  
"Feel free. I have something to read."  
  
Ron continued looking through the book. Harry gave in and buried his face in the covers of his bed. Something would wake him up soon, to a world not inhabited by pregnant Percies, and everything would be better. However, he was diverted from this train of thought by a growing… discomfort in the situation.  
  
"Ron… can I feel… do you… are you…eum…" Harry was becoming acutely aware of Ron's weight on him and his breath on the back of his neck for all the wrong reasons. Ron ignored Harry's discomfort.  
  
"Where did you get this? Its no way as good as any of the stuff I've found."  
  
Yet again Harry's brain fused. "Yswgl?"  
  
"What? Oh, yes I'm gay by the way."  
  
Harry made another incoherent noise.  
  
"What're you going on about? You're the one with the impressive gay porn collection." Ron turned another page. "Oooh. Very impressive I must say."  
  
"But I thought you like Hermione!"  
  
"Like, yes. Fancy, no. Oh, and I wouldn't worry about anyone finding out about you. They all think you're in love with Malfoy."  
  
"WHAT?" This was enough to cause Harry to jerk upwards, but Ron wasn't going to be dislodged. Harry was beginning to suspect his motives.  
  
"I'm only repeating the rumours."  
  
"Malfoy? Draco Malfoy? I'd rather shag Dumbledore."  
  
"Hmmm."  
  
"Ron?"  
  
"Hmmmmmmmnnn."  
  
"Ron, I will assume that you are deliberately nuzzling my neck." And really very pleasant the nuzzling was too.  
  
"You don't have to shag Dumbledore."  
  
"That's a relief."  
  
Without warning Ron flipped Harry over and kissed him, still pinning him to the bed. After a while Harry's higher brain function returned and insisted that this to be stopped. He pulled away.  
  
"Ron, this is really going to mess with our friendship."  
  
"More than you ending up in bed with Malfoy or Dumbledore?"  
  
Harry thought for a moment. "No. Definitely not."  
  
"Well then. I'm just saving you from yourself."  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
"Harry. You are the hottest boy in school. You are my best friend, a proven nice person and you have a body that manages to be distracting under really baggy robes. Very, very sure. Very sure. Extremely sure." To emphasise the point he kissed Harry again.  
  
Harry drew back again.  
  
"What now? If its something against redheads give me a couple of hours and some hair dye…"  
  
"I need to know. Is this a one night thing or a relationship?"  
  
"Which would you prefer?"  
  
"What do you mean, which would you prefer? Don't duck the question!"  
  
"I don't know, I haven't thought this through, I didn't really expect to find you curled up with large amounts of gay porn. I've kind of been improvising!"  
  
"So improvise and answer!"  
  
"Fine: Harry Potter I feel quite strongly about you and would quite like a relationship but will happily settle for some rampant sex. Preferably lots of rampant sex. Some of which for preference is going on in the Quidditch cupboard."  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Quidditch cupboard?"  
  
"Go on. Tell me you've never thought of it."  
  
Harry blushed slightly. "I think I might be game for the rampant sex part."  
  
"Relationship…?"  
  
"Awaits the results of rigorous testing of the rampant sex."  
  
Ron needed no second invitation, but Harry pulled back again.  
  
"What? What now? Are you trying to kill me?"  
  
"Just one more thing."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Ron…"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"If you ever, ever even think about getting me pregnant I will kill you with knives." 


End file.
